Veni, Vidi, Diabetes: The Texas State Fair

Eat your heart out, Disney World

 

Since the dawn of time, man has put food on sticks. Our cavemen cousins enjoyed nothing more than charred mammoth roasted on tree branches as they warmed their tootsies by the fire. The Ancient Greeks were fond of gnawing on portable lamb chunks while they took in the latest dramatic works of Sophocles. And with the revolutionary invention of the corn dog, humanity truly reached enlightenment. All of these culinary achievements provided the foundation for the pinnacle event of foods on sticks- The Texas State Fair.

For a few weeks in the fall, Dallas hosts this beloved event that is straight out of Templeton’s dream in Charlotte’s Web. And as my dearest friends Walter and Jeanne just happened to move to Dallas during the last week of the fair, what better way to welcome them to Texas than bringing on the deep-fried fun? Turns out we picked the worst possible day to go. Besides the usual thousands of fair visitors, we also had to contend with additional thousands of football fans who had come to the Cotton Bowl (located on the fair grounds) to watch big rivals UT and Oklahoma have a pissing contest. We could not find parking. There were an advertised 20,000 parking spaces and all of them occupied. After circling the block several times, we found ourselves on shady residential streets, and I am not talking about tree cover. We were flagged down and offered lawn parking for $20 bucks here, $10 bucks there. We were about to leave the car and $10 under the watchful gaze of a man with a lawn chair and few teeth when a lady drove by, stuck her head out the window and warned, “Don’t lie to them, they gonna get towed!” We ended up parking in a slightly less shady yard.

But the fair! Neon lights, rides as far as the eye can see, a million different aromas (mostly pleasant) and BIG TEX. Big Tex is the official Texas State Fair mascot. He is a 55-foot stereotype in a cowboy shirt. I love him! Our main fair goal (besides consuming massive quantities of foods on sticks) was to take a picture with Big Tex. We did, and then we bought t-shirts with said picture printed on it. Because the memories, people, the memories.

Big Tex and friends!

He’s really quite terrifying

Mission accomplished, we were ready to eat. We maneuvered our way around the drunken masses of football fans who descended upon the fair upon the game’s completion. It was way too crowded for comfort, and what’s worse, it hampered my food choices. I wanted to make the best possible decision when it came to my lunch. Did I want a corn dog? Perhaps a giant turkey leg? It came down to eating at the stand that had the shortest line. I got a sausage. It was okay.

Whatever

We took a break and went to see all the animals. Animals! Because it’s a real state fair. They had kangaroos, Texas longhorns, camels, even giraffes. Dan, a true lover of all animals, was in his element. He was super cute with the emus. Seeing all those animals made me hungry, so we waited in line for the good stuff. Some of our options were fried loaded baked potato, fried Sriracha balls, and fried butter. We opted for fried s’mores, fried pumpkin pie and fried lemonade. The lemonade was mine, and I ordered it because I was intrigued. It turned out to be syrupy sweet lemon sauce on fried chunks of cake. It was tasty but I accidentally ate the whole thing and felt kind of sick.

Do you want s’more?

Ladies and gentleman, Fried Lemonade

We were quite full after these treats, but we still had some tickets left to spend as we made our way out of the fair. Here’s the thing- they don’t take cash or cards at the fair. What you have to do is buy tickets and then use these tickets to procure  food, games, and rides. The fair people are brilliant. Because it is very possible to spend a hundred bucks on kettle corn and bumper cars and have no clue you are doing it because it only costs 12 tickets. We decided we were already doomed to heart failure and blew them on shared funnel cake and fried pickles.

Probably the best day of Walter’s life

And just like that, the fair was over. It was crazy overcrowded and I haven’t even mentioned that we happened to attend the fair while the whole Dallas Ebola-gate was taking place- but I am so glad we went. Is there anything more American than the fair? We are so happy that Walter and Jeanne are our neighbors! They are Step One of my master plan of having all of my friends move down to Texas so we can eat foods on sticks together and live happily ever after.

Meat, Meat, Meat: Our Last Days in Berlin

And now, the wienerschnitzel! During our last days in Berlin, we finally dined at Lutter und Wegner. This establishment is pretty old and feels quite German with its dark wooden bar and fixtures. We came in out of the rain and warmed up with some decent German red wine. Well, I had wine. Julie was putting back vodka and ginger ales. The menu was extremely traditional, all meat and potatoes and heavy cream. The basic food groups. We started with a crisp potato pancake (a “latke” as my Jewish brethren like to say) covered in wild mushrooms and sinful sour cream. It was a glorious thing…a truly delicious bite.

Fancy latkes

I had really come to this restaurant (and Germany, to be honest) for one reason: a slab of breaded and fried pork. Wienerschnitzel…the perfect food. Lutter and Wegner advertised one of the best schnitzel’s in town. My waitress asked me if I wanted the small schnitzel. I was insulted. I ordered the large. It was as big as my head, and I have a huge head.

Holy Schnitzel!

I ate about 1/2 of it and started moaning. I moaned all the way back to the hotel. I woke up the next day moaning. But it hurt so good. To stave off the moaning, we went to Prater Biergarten. I adore a good beer garden. This one looked awesome, but there were only 5 people there. To be fair, it was a weekday afternoon and the weather was freezing. But no matter. We drank our cold beers and sampled some pretzels and waffles. All good. But I couldn’t feel my toes, so we left.

My beer is empty. Tragic.

I don’t often say this, but there was something we ate in Berlin that really disappointed me. It was the  currywurst. Prior to our trip, we had done a lot of reading that all said “You gotta try the currywurst, it is THE dish of Berlin.” Okay, fine. What is a currywurst? It’s a hotdog slathered in a sauce consisting of curry and other spices…and ketchup. It was kind of gross. I mean, I finished it, but it was kind of gross.

No me gusta

We couldn’t leave Berlin with a bad taste in our mouths, so we headed over to the Kreuzberg district (think hipster Brooklyn) for a mythical creature: A burger stand run out of an old public bathroom. Yes, you heard me correctly. Burgermeister is housed in an old bathroom under the train tracks. The menu is simple, burger and fries, and it is strictly takeout although there are a few picnic tables scattered about. I like burgers. I’m a fan of public restrooms. Had to try it.

Hamburgers and toilets

The burger was tasty, but it had an interesting flavoring…curry. What is it with Berliners and curry? I was intrigued. Not a spice I would associate with pork and heavy cream. The curry flavoring in the burger went down much better than in the ‘wurst. We enjoyed this meal. Then we walked around the neighborhood to take in the graffiti.

The secret ingredient is also...curry

And thus we headed home ten pounds heavier to America. I enjoyed Berlin, especially after Paris as they were so different. That said, not sure if I would go again. My next German destination will probably be Munich, or I would love to go to Vienna, Austria. But I will remember the wienerschnitzel for a long, long time.

My Hot Dog Tis of Thee

Greetings from Florida! Mere hours into my “Teacher’s Summer Vacation”, I boarded a plane headed to the land of my childhood to spend some quality time with my mother and grandmother. It’s been a lovely, lazy week: I am tan and have read sixteen novels. And hey, its Fourth of July! Mazel tov, America! As I write this I am enjoying the visual and acoustics of fire works exploding on the muggy South Florida horizon. I can feel my hair frizz with patriotism.

But let’s talk about the real meaning of Independence Day: Nathan’s Hotdog Competition. I’m a big fan of the Competitive Eating circuit. I’m not saying I have a poster of Joey Chestnut on the ceiling of my bunk bed, but I am saying that I know who Joey Chestnut is. I find the sport (yes, I think it is a sport) to be fascinating. How can the human body hold 17 sticks of butter! Or 312 oysters! Boggles the mind. Every year around this time, I get into the spirit and start challenging my friends to all sorts of zany eating competitions. Sure, I can eat 50 White Castle burgers. No problem. Except I can’t. I talk a big game. And then I get full really quickly. So I am a fraud.

From the Archives: Tortellini Competitive Eating, 2007. Sadly, I am not victorious.

 

But the true athletes, like Chestnut and the unbelievable Asian Sensation Takeru Kobayashi, they are a sight to behold. In 2006, my friends and I trekked out to Coney Island on July 4th to witness the feeding frenzy firsthand. It was a wonderful day. We gorged on Nathan’s, struggled to keep it down on the merciless Cyclone roller coaster, then elbowed our way to the front to see the competitive eaters attack the meat. My favorite  memory from the event: the thunderous chant of the crowd “EAT IT. EAT IT. EAT IT.”

Fast forward to today, and we have a full-out scandal in the Competitive Eating world. After Chestnut won the coveted Mustard Belt with a respectable 54 dogs, Kobayashi ( who did not compete this year over some Competitive Eating bureaucracy mumbo jumbo) stormed the stage. Wearing a “Free Kobi” shirt reminiscent of the Winona Ryder scandal, Kobayashi rallied the crowd to support his struggle. And was arrested! You can read all the juicy details here: http://www.aolnews.com/weird-news/article/takeru-kobayashi-arrested-at-nathans-july-4-hot-dog-contest-joey-chestnut-wins/19539140?icid=main|main|dl1|link3|http%3A%2F%2Fwww.aolnews.com%2Fweird-news%2Farticle%2Ftakeru-kobayashi-arrested-at-nathans-july-4-hot-dog-contest-joey-chestnut-wins%2F19539140. ( Sorry for the huge link)

What does this mean for the world of Competitive Eating at large? I kind of think it’s not a bad thing. I’m sure all charges will be dropped against Kobayashi, but the media ripple effects will continue to be felt. Sports popularity benefits from scandal. Remember Tanya Harding? And Competitive Eating needs more support. Too many Americans consider MLE (Major League Eating…think of it like MLB or NHL) to be an unhealthy joke of a sport. I say if Curling can be regarded as a “real” sport, then heck, let the Eater’s in. So I say thanks Kobayashi, for taking one for the team.

Happy 4th to all.  Oh, and my apologies to Cary, Joey, and Ross. I lead these friends to believe our delicious Lobster and Oyster dinner was to be the subject of this week’s blog. I had every intention of doing so until the hot dog scandal hit. Blame Kobi.